That Which Is Much Less Exciting Than It Appears To Be


They drove to this restaurant using cruise control and are toasting North Carolina wine to celebrate class action lawsuit victories. Entrees featuring guacamole, oysters, and mustard are on the way.

Our reactions to various stimuli are often difficult to explain, whether in scientific or layman’s terms. Nonetheless, a few key phrases, or even solitary words, have been drilled into our heads with sufficient regularity over the years to bring a near universal smile to our collective faces. So much so that we seldom examine any of them; if asked, you would probably give each a kneejerk thumbs up without a second thought. But while all of the following are probably good things (as opposed to bad things, to paraphrase Harvey Keitel’s character in Reservoir Dogs), I would argue none of them are ever great things, as counterintuitive a point as this may seem.

1. Class Action Lawsuits

We’ve all received a few of these letters over the years. Stating that a major corporation with which we formerly did business was found guilty of some offense that had completely escaped us, and that as a result, the 12 people on the planet that this applies to, of which you are one, are entitled to split up a $79 billion prize pool. No action is required. Eight years later, you receive a check for $63. Possibly with one free credit report score thrown in for good measure.

2. Guacamole

And the intense expression of a guacamole enthusiast is not exactly foreign to us, either. While a few years ago I did actually experience an epiphany related to this topic, when it occurred to me that I don’t hate guacamole, but I don’t love it, either, yet kind of generally assumed that I did, primarily because a highly vocal segment of the population won’t shut up about it, the major strikes against guacamole are that it possesses a forceful, distinctive flavor which is nonetheless actually quite bland when you really think about it – regardless of how the recipe is doctored.

Just don’t waste your time getting into this discussion with a hardcore aficionado, particularly one who has made the guacamole. I can speak from a recent experience, sighing with exasperation when pressed to sample some, telling its creator, “everyone always raves about their own guacamole, but it always tastes…exact…ly…the…same….”

“No dude, trust me, I dumped a cement mixer full of ghost peppers into this batch, it’s spicy!” he replied, or something to that effect, for this is always the reply, a blank check of a line you will hear every time, the assurance that, no dude, they added ______ and therefore the recipe is _____ beyond compare.

Followed by that person making the intense, guacamole-sharing face, as you try it, you know the one, where the eyebrows are raised, and pupils on the brink of popping out of socket, an insistent anxious nod accompanied by a broad smile.

Followed by me shrugging and reiterating, again, that I don’t know what to tell you. It tastes like guacamole.

3. Aphrodisiacs

I chalk this one up to a type of attribution error. Someone got laid, a miracle in itself, and then in retracing every moment of his/her day leading up to the statistically improbable deed, became convinced that this tiny little prop plied upon the date in question was responsible for the entire wild conquest. I’ve heard this kind of thinking referred to as McDonald’s Logic in some circles: whatever theory it is you’re trying to promote, if you polled all of your test subjects in the survey group, chances are a high percentage of them have eaten at McDonald’s. Therefore, you could easily argue  that eating at McDonald’s is the reason event happened (or shopping at Walmart, or driving a car, or watching tv, or any other extremely popular phenomenon). Sheer nonsense.

What set me off on this train of thought was having a very attractive girl at work the other day tell me with total adamant sincerity that mustard is a well known aphrodisiac. Mustard! No person in the entire history of humankind has ever had sex as a result of mustard. Or chocolate. Or oysters. Or strawberries. Just give it a rest, people. It either is or isn’t going to happen for you. Alcohol might work, although I don’t think this really counts. Not the way that mustard purportedly does.

4. Cruise Control

If you’re driving the wilds of Montana at 2 in the morning on a Wednesday, I have no doubt that cruise control might seem like a nifty invention. For the rest of us, however, not so much.

My wife and I recently experienced a ten hour drive from New York City to the tepid heart of North Carolina on a sunny, non-holiday Sunday early morning to late afternoon. This trek is interesting in that you cruise through 7 different states in a relatively short time frame, covering every demographic range from Amish looking back country to major thoroughfares. Regardless of the particulars, however, despite being bumper to bumper at no point beyond NYC, my rubber stamp on this trip would conclude what I’ve long felt, that cruise control is essentially a complete waste of time.

You dive into this enterprise with such lofty expectations. Things are going to open up in the wilderness, you can then punch in a speed about 5 MPH above the posted limit and mindlessly zip along. The only problem with this scenario is that much of the interstate system is still 2 laned, which translates as either being stuck in the right hand one, slogging along at 55 or worse behind a semi, or in the left, having some nimrod inches from your tail no matter how fast you are going, making seizure inspired faces as if you are doing something wrong. So the dance becomes getting out of their way, and gliding over to the right hand lane, letting a long stream of cars pass you, then flooring your gas pedal as you boldly reenter the left until the next idiot is on your bumper and you pass the following 18 wheeler, repeat this process anew. The addition of extra lanes in the middle does little to alleviate this situation, too, because the bebopping maniacs seem to regard these as their personal passing channels, become highly impatient and irate if you are clogging these up anywhere shy of the speed of sound.

On a side note, this is why I’m highly skeptical of reports about robotically controlled cars becoming the next hot fad. People in general are far too impatient to give up that control, settle on a fixed speed, and are visibly getting worse by the day.

5. North Carolina Wines

Okay, this might be stretching things a bit. I’ve actually never heard anyone say anything nice about a single North Carolina wine, outside of persons selling said wine. But there are a ton of these wineries around, and a number of them have been in business for decades, which would imply that somebody is buying these varietals. I guess what I’m really hoping for is that an NC winery owner will view this and suffer a serious rethink, or that a traveler revises the ol’ tour itinerary as a result. Do be afraid. Yes, you will most likely find the beverage drinkable. No, you will probably not be raving about the experience in retrospect – and it has nothing to do with hangovers, I’m talking pure flavor, here.